my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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