you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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