Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
