I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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