i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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