Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
