bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
