I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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