I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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