I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I am naked and annoyed.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
