he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
