You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
