What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
