Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
