Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
