I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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