I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
