What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
