Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
