I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
