I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
