theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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