Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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