how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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