It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
