Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Drunk is not a location!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
