We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
