Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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