I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
