I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
