I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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