Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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