Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
