She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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