so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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