I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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