The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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