I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
