I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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