i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
