Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
