we're chasing vodka with high fives
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
