Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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