She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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