i think my mom watched the whole time
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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