I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
