lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
