Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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