Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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