:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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