if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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